I am
by say-chan
Summary: I am Kurt Wagner.' it's all about kurt's inner thoughts, feelings and emotions. what keeps him up at night and what pain he's experiencing. please R&R... feedback greatly appreciated... please R&R! i really appreciate them! thanks! [angst]


**i am**

by: say-chan

~*~

disclaimer: i do not own x-men evolution... ^-^ this is my first attempt to write in this section... i've been around a lot, you may see my name in a hp fics and some animes, but this is new to me ^-^... so please, tell me what you think... *pleads* please enjoy ^-^

~*~

_'Look at me. You may think you see who I really am, but you'll never know me...'_

I am Kurt Wagner. 

I'm not the ordinary 'foreign-exchange-student-from-Germany' guy you see at Bayville High. There's a whole lot more to that Kurt you've seen. This is my curse. You see, I am a mutant. They call me Nightcrawler. My every inch of my body is covered with blue fur. A long, spade-tipped tail sweeps as I walk around on all fours. I only have three fingers on each hand and sharp teeth. Now you see me. 

And bamf. Now you don't. 

Being a teenager growing in a world of different personalities is hard. Being a foreign exchange student sent to a new culture is harder. Being a mutant is like having all the problems pressed down on your back. You see, I am not normal. I am an outcast. I was a mistake. I am a mutant. 

Every night, I ask the Big Man up there questions that we all usually ask. Why is the world so cruel? Take one look at me and you'll think you're luckier than any person alive. Everything in me is wrong. Sometimes, I begin to wonder why I ended up this way. I ask Him "Why can't I just be normal like anyone else? Why did I have to be this way?" 

That's when I learned that everyone in this world is created special. No one is like everyone else for a reason. But if I had the chance to change what happened to me, I wouldn't be here right now. I would be in Germany, celebrating my 17th birthday with **NORMAL** people. I wouldn't be the mutant that I am now. 

It's hard enough to be accepted in a society when you're normal. But if you walk a step in my shoes, I know you wouldn't be able to take it. People would scream, run away, curse you, and call you a freak with just a mere glimpse at you. Children would look at you with horror on their faces, thinking you're a rejected stuffed animal from the nearby factory. Why do I have to be this- horrible? 

What did I do wrong to deserve this kind of torture? It's not like they want me dead on the spot or anything. But the fear in their eyes kills me inside. I am a mutant, and so what?! Don't I have feelings, too? Does being a mutant deprive me of feeling such dense emotions? Who died and made them King of the World?! 

But who am I? I am but a mere shadow that haunts my own self from time to time. I am nothing compared to those who are normal. Every single day, I think of matters that don't concern my appearance. But it still hits me. It disturbs me in class, when I'm eating, when I'm trying to forget. And even when I sleep. 

Sometimes I then think. If the X-men were truly my friends, why would they be afraid of my appearance? I mean, who wouldn't be afraid of a demonic face like mine? They act as if Satan went to Earth earlier than they expected. They say they're not, but I've seen the look in their eyes when I 'port in. Sure, it's rude to just bamf anywhere. But... It's like my thoughts are confusing me. Even my own biological mother hates me. Why did it have to be this way? Why must there be a difference between Kurt and Night Crawler? 

Don't be fooled by the smiles on my face or my sunny outlook on life. Inside, I feel isolated. I feel so weak around the people whom you call normal. I'm afraid to ask what the other people think of me, because deep inside, I know it. I know it so well that I keep avoiding it. For seventeen whole years I've been running away from the harsh judgment of the people living in this vast world. They don't know what pain they're giving me when they look at me in a different way than they look at others. Why can't I be treated like everyone else? Why am I always a step behind every kid my age? 

Sometimes, I just want to break down and cry my heart out. But tears won't give in to my plea. And that hurts even more. They say when you want to let your feelings out, cry, scream, shout as loud as you can. But I can't. I'm too nervous to do so. I don't let it out and it tears me up. It's the worst feeling in the world. I'm so damaged and the world can't even see it. 

I cannot blame them. When I look at the mirror, I'm terrified of my own reflection. Friends tell me that I'm sweet, vulnerable and open to share the problems of anyone. But if they were in my condition, I bet they would just go crazy. But their problems are not like mine. I find their predicaments petty compared to mine. I mean, how can you blame me? I'm a seventeen year old boy carrying the worst case of an acceptance problem in my back. Sure, I smile. And with that you think my world's full of zest and zeal. But take one good look in my eyes and you'll see all the tears I haven't cried. All the questions I've been wanting to ask. And those lines I've never said in front of other people. I want to set my fears free and live a normal life like you do. God said, "ask and it shall be given to you." But no matter how many times I asked... I prayed... I begged... but... it wasn't given. 

Maybe someday, I'll find someone who'll really see me for who I am. Someone who looks beyond a terrifying mask like mine. Someone who'll understand how and what I really am. Someone who will see me as the real Kurt and not Night Crawler. Someone who will free me of the icy torments of the people around me. Someone who has the key to the chains of my painful past. 

I could've drowned in this river, a river called life. I could've forgotten- left everything behind dusty bookshelves. But I didn't. I did not let go of what I believed in. That someday when that someone comes in the right time, all my burdens will be released. All of my fears, taken away. And I'll be accepted for who I am. Every emotion that I've hidden inside my heart will be released. Every question burned in my mind will be gone. I'll be me. 

They say, when God closes a door, he opens a window. I guess it's the window for me. And no matter how small the window He opens, there's still hope. Anything is possible. And that's what I believe in. Because when that someday comes, I'll know. 

This is me. 

I am Kurt Wagner, Night Crawler. 

* * *

A/N:

hi readers! ^-^

thanx for reading my little kurt fic... it's a lil bit of an angst, with kurt looking for acceptance, and hey, we all look for acceptance. we just like, don't know how lucky we are. i mean, if kurt was more than an animated character, i bet my life that his life is so miserable. people just don't understand our little furry demon like he wants people to. poor kurt. *pouts* i wish his life was a lil better than what i think it is... *sob* i share your pain, kurt...

on to the credits... to Selene Tsukino, i really like DIG your work!! ^-^ i love it! to Wakizashi, you are like a total genius!! i really love your fics!! ^-^ to my beta, Joy, to my twin, Ria, thanx to all of ye! To mah friends back at fastgames and pldtplay, hey ya'll... 

please r&r... it's my first time to write an x-men evolution fic... please tell me what you think... feedback badly needed... thanks guys! ^-^

lovelots,

say-chan

[ p.s. if anyone asks, i am a filipino. ^-^ ] 


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